Thought #79: []

Δε μπορώ να εξηγήσω γιατί κλαίω απόψε. Κάποτε πίστευα πως ήμουν πολύ δυνατός και πως θα κατάφερνα πολλά. Θα γινόμουν ο καλύτερος. Σε κάτι. Όταν τα όνειρα σβήνουν και χάνονται, πού πάμε; Εμείς. Γιατί αυτά, βρίσκουν το δρόμο τους στα φωτεινά μονοπάτια ανθρώπων γύρω μας, άλλοτε γνωστών, άλλοτε άγνωστων. Όσο πιο έντονα λάμπει κάποιος, αυτά πάνε και κολλάνε πάνω του, προσελκύονται όπως τα έντομα στο φως και τη φλόγα. Και τα εκμεταλλεύονται. Όπως θα έπρεπε να κάνω εγώ.

Αλλά εγώ ντύνομαι στα μαύρα, κατεβάζω τα παντζούρια στο σπίτι, κρύβομαι μες τη ντουλάπα και βάζω τα κλάμματα. Τα διώχνω. Ορδές τα όνειρα να ξεχύνονται απ' τις χαραμάδες και να μη μπορώ να αντιδράσω. Βάζω το κεφάλι ανάμεσα στα πόδια, κλείνω τα μάτια μου, μα δε βλέπω τίποτα το φωτεινό στο απόλυτο σκοτάδι. Νοιώθω τα πάντα να με πνίγουν να θέλω να μιλήσω, να αντιδράσω, να ακουστώ και να μη μπορώ. Αν σκάσω δε θα με νοιάξει. Αλλά πλέον, φοβάμαι να το λέω. Γιατί με πλησίασε μία φορά και δεν τον θέλω πια κοντά μου.

Διώχνοντας το θάνατο όμως δε φεύγει το βάρος που με καταπλακώνει. Μπορεί να είμαι προστατευμένος στην πελώρια πανοπλία μου, αλλά έτσι και κάποιος αγγίξει την επιφάνειά της αυτή θα πέσει, αποσαθρωμένη από τα τόσα δάκρυα που τη σκούριαζαν και την έτρωγαν όλα αυτά τα χρόνια. Το μακρύ μαύρο κουφάρι δε θα αντιληφθεί τίποτα. Έχει από καιρό παραδώσει τα όπλα, την ελπίδα για κάτι καλύτερο. Θα περιμένει ένα τελειωτικό χτύπημα για να υποκύψει. Να γίνει στάχτη μεμιάς και ας ταξιδέψει μαζί με όσα προσμονούσε σε ένα άλλο μονοπάτι. Μα κανείς δε θα το θέλει. Θα κλέψει ό,τι μπορεί και θα το πετάξει σε μια χωματερή ονείρων.

Melt me down/into big black armour/leave no trace/of grace/just in your honor[...]Once I wanted to be the greatest/two fists of solid rock/with brains that could explain/any feeling./Lower me down,/pin me in,/secure the grounds...

Cat Power - The Greatest

In a dream

I'm not sure whether I was out and had just returned, or in the bathroom or something, and I walked towards the window to the balcony. One thing was for sure. I was in a sort of a bungalow, but it had a balcony and in the one opposite my own there was a party going on. Lots of people together with their kids were having fun, or simply sitting and drinking while enjoying music and the laughter of the young ones.

On the wooden floor right outside my room, two recliners. People would inexplicably appear to be enjoying themselves in them, although "my place" wasn't part of the party grounds... I thought it was weird but didn't want to spoil the children's fun, so I was about to shut the door, lie down on the bed and sleep not saying a word. Suddenly, two guys round my age burst in the room from the balcony and acted as if they were at home. One lied on the bed and the other was turning on the TV while laughing hysterically. I was terrified as well as pissed off to say the least, but something on them made me feel powerless. I told them to get out and please leave me alone, but they wouldn't listen and sarcastically snapped back at me.

Rushing down to the lush, marbled, reception office, I burst out crying and couldn't find the strength to tell them what was going on. One receptionist, dressed in a black suit with golden buttons, scornfully looked at me, ignoring my pleas for help. After I managed to breathe properly once again, he said he'd give me a pair of keys to the room and a third key which would be used to lock the doors after they left. But who would tell them to get out? I was scared of also being robbed since I had left all my stuff with strangers, so I begged the guy to follow me and tell them to get out.

Feeling helpless and tired, I rushed back, only to find them still inside even more perversely evil than before. Something was telling me I shouldn't mess with the street-style clad guys and I was once again feeling uneasy... And then I woke up gasping for breath...

Thought #48: Sandman

I thought he wouldn't come.

Taunting and grinning from the other side, while I was in pain.

I was wrong.

The next second he was standing right beside me.

He did come.

Opening a rift in time and space, shifting the room to another dimension. No movement caught by my dampened eyes.

And suddenly I started feeling even more scared than lying awake.

The sand covered my eyelids and made them heavy yet another night. My third eye woke up as my body felt rigid.

In this world, my arms outstretched and still, I couldn't reach you. I was pushed down the long stairwell. As I tumbled the downward spiral all I could think was you and you alone. His smirk though reminded me of the horrible outcome that awaited.

Trapped in the world of dreams, tormented by Hypnos and his son. What I imagined would be better, was much worse there.

Thus, sometimes, I call out your name before I sleep or when I wake up;
the charades keep me from falling to pieces...

Japanese word of the week #12

Some say we have one every night...

夢

YUME

Meaning: dream

... what matters is how much we can remember...