Thought #39: SMILE TOT

I will be smiling. Then. It's weird. Having so little time, when it flies by so fast you can't even realize it's gone, yet, acting so stupid. I could go on and on counting the mistakes I've made in my life. Thoughts of having grown up are constantly pulverized by memories of utter stupidity. Lost Time. Do blanks fill voids? Underscores do. A certain one would be "glad" to know that I got a new cell phone. There, underscores make spaces. Even more?

Time Lost. You feel free to dream, to think, to find your purpose in life. When you have nothing else to do. But I don't have the luxury of time. And I should not be fooling around. Feeling like I have nothing else to do, when I have too many obligations, too many tasks to undertake. And complete. All these things would make for all the time I spent dilly-dallying. All these things complete. Scared to death when people who expect something from me, would call, to get nothing in return. But I simply couldn't. No excuses. I wanted to feel free. And that feeling overwhelmed me. Still does. Lost Time.

So much envy. For people involved with things they love. No life's work for me. No masterpiece. Hopes of grandeur, importance and significance, turn into illusions. Delusions. Nothing will be as it was planned out to be. The plan was mine. The execution mine as well. No one to blame but myself. Thus, I hope to live once more. Being no Hindu I shouldn't believe such a thing may happen after death. Being a fool... now... everything's excused... Oaths are made to be broken. But I swear. To my second other. No more time lost...